I’m sorry I had to leave so soon. I didn’t want to leave you, but please know that although you cannot see me, I am never far away.
— Read on stillstandingmag.com/2017/08/25/dear-mommy-letter-heaven/

It will get better in time. That’s what they’ve been telling me. It’s been 2 months since my baby was born sleeping. Is it really getting better as time passed by? Definitely NO, not a bit. Right know as I am typing these, I just had a meltdown. The stress, anxiety, depression and trauma became overwhelming that I just wanted to end it all. I just wanted to disappear even for a while. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. Is it worth living in this lonely world? They say life begins at 40…so this is how my life begins?..lonely, depressed, anxious, hopeless, unmotivated, alone, miserable. My life doesn’t begin at 40, the truth is, my life ended last May 3…I’m just here in this world breathing, existing but not living.

2 nights ago I found out that my friend’s dog passed away because of anemia. My friend was devastated as she loved her so much. It was also sudden and she wasn’t prepared emotionally. I felt sad because I also lost a dog whom i dearly loved few years ago and i know the feeling. While talking to her through the comment section in her fb account, I suddenly felt jealous to the dog because she will see abby there.

During the first month of my grieving experience, I always think about suicide. I wanted to die so that i can be with my baby. I wanted to see her, I wanted to hug her and kiss her. During those times I felt like I will lose my mind, i wanted to scream and just pour out all my emotions. Everyday i will google how to properly do the knot if ever i will be hanging myself or which is more better way to die, is it slitting my wrist or to overdose in pills. Tbh, I still wanted to live but I don’t want to feel the pain anymore, i don’t want to live without my baby by my side,.,,i just simply want to end all of these. Not that I stopped the suicide ideation, i still think about it every now and then but i managed to control it now but i don’t know how long i can do it.

Luna will see Abby in heaven and for now i don’t have that privilege yet but i know someday we will see each other and if that time comes i will be the happiest mother you’ll ever know.

Last Sunday, June 2, 2019, I’ve finally got the courage and strength to go to her. It was her 1st month since she stopped breathing. My anxiety that day was getting worse as I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that I will have a emotional breakdown If I go because It would be the first time seeing her in her grave. But the feeling of wanting to be with her was stronger than my anxiety. So we went there with my youngest brotha. I bought a solo black forest cake for her, a pot of flower and 2 pink candles. While we were on our way there I was silent and teary eyed the whole time. I thought of her face, her closed eyes, her blackened lips, her chubby rosy cheeks, her cleft chin, her nose, her curly hair, just all about her. We both went there for the 1st time so we just relay on the direction given to us. The cemetery was clean and small…it was decent compared to other public cemetery that I went to. It took us more that an hour to find her grave. I was happy when I saw it because her tombstone was already there. I was nervous the whole time we were there but again I’ve successfully hide my true emotions as while we were looking for her grave, I was talking to myself that I will not cry and breakdown and I got my mind set. Her tomb was in the 7th floor of the barracks so we used the improvised ladder to get up to her and took pictures. I went home exhausted and immediately laid into bed.

It’s exactly 1 month today since we found out that Abby stopped breathing. I can’t get out of my bed and i just wanted to cry all day. That traumatic event made a flashback on my mind right now, from that day until now that she’s no longer here. I still don’t want to accept it. I can’t believe that it actually happened to me, that it was real.

Hiding my emotions to my loved ones seemed effective. I didn’t want them to feel sad and feel sorry for me that’s why I don’t cry when i’m with them. Suppressing your feeling isn’t easy especially in times like these. It scares the hell out of me that one day it will just gonna explode.

I wanted to visit her today for the first time. I just can’t go because i don’t want to face the reality that she’s really gone…forever. I’m afraid that I will breakdown in front of her grave. I love my little girl so much that I don’t want to let her go. I don’t want to see her lying in there. I’m in so much pain right now..pain that i can’t described. The kind of pain that you wished you’ll never experienced.

I don’t know how to go on with my life. When she died a big part of me also died. And until now i wish that i’m gone with her too. I want my little girl back!! And if it’s not possible please take me to her, I wanted to be with her. How can I live when a big part of me died already. Is it possible? I just want to end the pain but don’t know how.

Abby baby, please take me now with you😢😢😢

I

I woke up feeling numb or maybe i just wanted to feel like that. Here comes morning again and so the feeling that comes with it. I really miss my baby that it hurts me to the core😥. I always remember her face thinking what would she look like when her eyes are open, i wonder what would be the sound of her voice when she cries or when she laughs, i always imagined her in my arms cuddling her. When I’m in bed i imagined her lying beside me looking at me smiling. I want my baby back!!!

My emotions were ups and downs. Some days i feel okay but most of the time I was not, and today is not an exemption. Maybe it’s because abby would have been a month old 3 days from now so I was very emotional.

I missed her so bad I wanted to get her out of her grave and just hold her and kiss her. I always wished that I should have been with her. That she should have not left me alone because yeah i’m alive but my life’s been miserable now without her.😥

My life is a complete mess.

Today seems to be an ordinary day for me. I was in a good mood yesterday so I thought “good, I think I can now start to cope up with my life, grieving with my daughter’s loss”. But there’s something in this time of the day that every time I wake up, loneliness envelopes me. It’s as if grief woke me up to say hello.

Every morning as soon as i woke up, i remember abby and i’ll cry and cry and talked to her why did she left me alone and that i miss her so much. Today, I was able to say good morning to her while trying to stop the tears that is about to fall from my tired eyes.

The reason why I don’t want to sleep at night is this….mornings. I don’t want morning to come because I don’t want the feeling it accompanies with…that my little girl was no longer here. I don’t want to face the reality that abby was now in heaven, that she already left me.

For the last couple of months that we’re together, when I started to feel her, I always say good morning to her after I said good morning to our Lord and before I pray. Sometimes, I will do that after I pray. And when I greeted her good morning, I will talked to her and sometimes sing to her to put her to sleep. I do this on a daily basis. It became my ritual.

So just imagine you did this for 3 months straight and then 1 day you can’t do it anymore because she was gone. You can’t talked to her because she was no longer here. It’s devastating and I felt I could never adjust. It’s so sudden that mentally and emotionally, i was not prepared. But who can be prepared for this? no one and you will never be prepared.

So this is the equation,

morning = loneliness + abby + grief

#missingabby

I decided to make a personal blog as part of my therapy or healing process. You see i am grieving for the loss of my precious daughter Abigail Selah and it really helps to put my thoughts in writing. It’s not as if my grief will go away but it helps me to managed it somehow.

So welcome to our not so happy world with cakes and chocolates but to the world full of grief and emotions. And i hope this blog will be a witness on the journey i have to endure and eventually live a normal life along the way. As if i have a choice but to be okay.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton