Morning ⛅️

Today seems to be an ordinary day for me. I was in a good mood yesterday so I thought “good, I think I can now start to cope up with my life, grieving with my daughter’s loss”. But there’s something in this time of the day that every time I wake up, loneliness envelopes me. It’s as if grief woke me up to say hello.

Every morning as soon as i woke up, i remember abby and i’ll cry and cry and talked to her why did she left me alone and that i miss her so much. Today, I was able to say good morning to her while trying to stop the tears that is about to fall from my tired eyes.

The reason why I don’t want to sleep at night is this….mornings. I don’t want morning to come because I don’t want the feeling it accompanies with…that my little girl was no longer here. I don’t want to face the reality that abby was now in heaven, that she already left me.

For the last couple of months that we’re together, when I started to feel her, I always say good morning to her after I said good morning to our Lord and before I pray. Sometimes, I will do that after I pray. And when I greeted her good morning, I will talked to her and sometimes sing to her to put her to sleep. I do this on a daily basis. It became my ritual.

So just imagine you did this for 3 months straight and then 1 day you can’t do it anymore because she was gone. You can’t talked to her because she was no longer here. It’s devastating and I felt I could never adjust. It’s so sudden that mentally and emotionally, i was not prepared. But who can be prepared for this? no one and you will never be prepared.

So this is the equation,

morning = loneliness + abby + grief

#missingabby